Facebook Etiquette: The Friend Request

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I’ve recently been faced with a dilemma which all of you on Facebook have found yourself confronting at one time or another…if not before, then it will one day undoubtedly happen.

The decision of whether or not to accept that notorious ‘friend request’.

Something important to know about Facebook before we go any further is that it is a social network; more importantly your social network. It is a place where you go, where you post what you’re doing in your life. Often people will post photos of their families and important events; Facebook is a place to keep the people you care about updated on what and how you’re doing.

However, with any great technology comes the downside. There are times when an acquaintance you know finds you on Facebook through the comment you left on someone else’s status, while browsing through their friends, or even through the “Friends Suggestion” application. Whatever means they used to find you doesn’t matter—it just matters that they did. They click excitedly over to your profile only to get the message which says: “_______ only shares certain information with everyone. To learn more about _________, add them as a friend.”

Upon seeing that message they click on the link and get the ‘friend request’ popup message: “_________ will have to confirm that you are friends.”

Poor, unsuspecting you logs into Facebook at some clandestine later time to discover that the social friendship ball has been knocked into your court; unfortunately this other person is often bound and determined to get you added in to their collection of social friends and vice-versa.

This is where many people start to waver. They start to wonder if they should just accept the request…after all, they hit ignore twice already and the person has since repeated the request. I have a friend who denied a request over six times from one person—sometimes, others just can’t take a hint.

I love what “Dear Ken” from Socialsama had to say on the matter to a woman who wrote in about this very thing. His response to her was this:

Are you a Facebook ho and accept all friend requests, or do you want to set up a friend criteria? Sooner or later you will have to choose the latter. I had a great conversation from a “mom” perspective with my wife and her cousin about this. Cousin Madge put it in simple terms, “I befriend them on Facebook if I feel comfortable enough with showing my kids’ pics to them.”

I love the simplicity of the response. The first thing you should ask yourself is: are you comfortable in having this person added as your friend? If not, your answer is already loud and clear.

Now, by having a lot of contacts, I’m in no way implying that you are seeking friends on Facebook as a social badge of honor—but let’s be candid here, there are people out there who do. They feel that if they have a slew of ‘friends’ on their list, it makes them important and gives them some kind of cyberspacular popularity.

Is that what you want; five hundred ‘friends’ whom you could care less about, or thirty you really like? Now, maybe you really do have five hundred people whom you love and they all love you back; and maybe I’m incredibly jealous because of it… perhaps you also found the secret way to get into Narnia AND Hogwarts. If so, add me as your friend, too.

I would have to suggest that you need to ask yourself a few questions about your Facebook Friend Request…Would you feel comfortable in inviting this person over to dinner? Hanging out with them for an evening? Sitting with them at a social gathering for longer than twenty minutes? Sending them a friendly email? Calling them on the phone just to say hello? Waving at them as you pass by them on the street?

If you can’t answer to yes to any of the above questions, I’d be hesitant to accept that friend request. In fact, I’d be hesitant if I could only answer yes to only one or two of them.

It was Gavin Morgan at Loose Gravel who came up with a simple ‘test’ to see whether or not you should really accept that Facebook request.

How long ago in months has it been since you last spoke to this person?

1. >24
2. 2 - 24
3. 0 - 2

*if you can't remember, then the answer is #1

How would you rate the quality of interaction you have/had with this person? If you just met the person, what is your guess about the quality of interaction you will have?

1. Nauseating to just okay
2. Pretty good
3. Exceptional

If you went the rest of your life never hearing from this person ever again, how noticeable would it be? Again, if you recently met the person, take your best guess.

1. Noticeably awesome to Would never notice
2. Occasionally noticeable
3. Extremely noticeable

If your score is 6-9, friend them; if your score is 3-5, feel free to ignore that request.

Still not convinced of what to do?

Well, if you still can’t make up your mind you could always just hit accept for now and change their settings to restricted - this way, there are limitations as to what they can view on your page and what updates the’ll have access to. You could add them to a certain group so that their updates are not shown in your usual stream, or you could even add them for now and then go in and delete them as a friend in a month or two. Since Facebook doesn’t notify people when their friendship status has been revoked, you could always just blame it on a fault in the program if the ‘revoking’ was ever discovered.

For now, it might be enough to keep the wolves off your back.

Whatever the route you choose to take, just remember that this is YOUR social network. Think of why you have it and the people you want to be a part of it. There will come a point when you have to make a decision of just who you’re willing to accept. One semi-drastic measure you could always take if you're worried about offending anyone (or are just sick of the huge list you already have) is to simply delete everyone in your friends list and start over again from scratch. I did that once and it was quite the liberating feeling; the really great thing is that nobody could say that I deleted them and only them...not when I told them that I deleted my parents, too.

The voice

Pin It As we grow to be adults, many things become lost to us. Grated, there is much that we gain, but we do lose something…something which can be a terrible loss.

When a person grows up, they lose the guidance of a wiser voice telling them that they’ve had enough, gone too far, stayed up too late, or simply are just plain out of line. It is these voices which help us to remember who we are, what we stand for, and what we should be doing.

There comes a time when those voices no longer speak to us as they once did, and one must then become the voice. Many times, we not only become the voice for ourselves, but for others around us—whether they are related to us or not.

Self-discipline is vital today; in a world fraught with indulgence we have to know when it’s been too much, we’ve gone too far, or have stepped out of line. We need to have the wisdom to simply say, “no.”

Raintears

Pin It I don’t know as if you came to my blog today looking for advice. If so, read on. If not, stop now, and click on somebody else’s.

Today’s post is the result of a proverbial ‘conversation’ I had with a friend who was feeling down. One who looked through a window of familiar ‘raintears’ streaking the glass.

I wonder…how often do we look at another person and think that they’re never sad, never have problems, or never worry?

If you’re anything like me, and have such amazing friends, you look at many of them and think that their life is perfect—or nearly so. It’s so easy to become envious of the monopoly they appear to have on the happiness of daily living.

Isn’t it?

I have recently been reminded that we all have problems—we all have struggles—we all have moments when we’re sad. There are even moments when we feel the weight of life pressing down on us, sometimes in a way which produces, genuine, physical pain. It doesn’t matter who we are—nobody is exempt from the pain life can sometimes induce.

There are times in my life, in my ‘adventures and misadventures’ where I reach a state when I just feel down. I hate my life. I almost wish to be someone else.

Have you ever felt that?

Sometimes, when these feelings come, I think that I just need to feel that way. I need these terrible moments to make the good times even more vivid and wonderful when they happen. However, I can’t allow the feelings of despair to consume me, for consume me they will.

I have to keep myself busy.
I need to remember why I’m here.
I need to do things which fill my life with purpose.
I have to create my own ‘holidays’ and celebrations which I can look forward to.
I must listen to songs which bring me up when I’m down.
I have to choose to remember all of the good times I once had, and know that I’m grateful that they were once mine.
I have to write to express what it is I am feeling.

So, do these always work?

Not always.

I had a thought while standing at the brink of Little Grand last week. In fact, I keep reminding myself of the decision I made while standing on the edge, with the winds of change buffeting me from all sides, and my incessant desire to fly: “To enjoy each and every moment, because before you know it, they’ll all be gone.”

I imagine how much I’ll laugh about my life existence when it’s over. How much I’ll put things into perspective. How much I’ll think to myself, “Self…that wasn’t so bad, was it?”

I envision those words when I am feeling down about my weight, about plans which didn’t work out, or when I find myself still struggling with habits.

Do I still feel sad?

Absolutely.

There are times I allow the sadness to take me over, to engulf me, these are the times when I turn my eyes to the heavens and cry a penitent, “Why me?”

Always comes the same reply, “Why not you?”

Touché.

In my life I’ve come to discover that when you're feeling that you're in a proverbial Hades...go through it. In fact, if you don't go through it, Hades is where you will stay.

Why I am I writing all of this? I guess because by writing this to you, I’m writing it to me. This is something I force myself to remember when the times get so bad I don’t want to go any further. I have to. If I let the pain or disappointment of life consume me, nothing will remain but the charred ashes of a worn-out soul.

I hope this helps. If not, simply click on another blog and pretend that you didn’t read this one. If so, I’m glad I was able to help with your own ‘raintears.’