Facebook Etiquette: The Friend Request

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I’ve recently been faced with a dilemma which all of you on Facebook have found yourself confronting at one time or another…if not before, then it will one day undoubtedly happen.

The decision of whether or not to accept that notorious ‘friend request’.

Something important to know about Facebook before we go any further is that it is a social network; more importantly your social network. It is a place where you go, where you post what you’re doing in your life. Often people will post photos of their families and important events; Facebook is a place to keep the people you care about updated on what and how you’re doing.

However, with any great technology comes the downside. There are times when an acquaintance you know finds you on Facebook through the comment you left on someone else’s status, while browsing through their friends, or even through the “Friends Suggestion” application. Whatever means they used to find you doesn’t matter—it just matters that they did. They click excitedly over to your profile only to get the message which says: “_______ only shares certain information with everyone. To learn more about _________, add them as a friend.”

Upon seeing that message they click on the link and get the ‘friend request’ popup message: “_________ will have to confirm that you are friends.”

Poor, unsuspecting you logs into Facebook at some clandestine later time to discover that the social friendship ball has been knocked into your court; unfortunately this other person is often bound and determined to get you added in to their collection of social friends and vice-versa.

This is where many people start to waver. They start to wonder if they should just accept the request…after all, they hit ignore twice already and the person has since repeated the request. I have a friend who denied a request over six times from one person—sometimes, others just can’t take a hint.

I love what “Dear Ken” from Socialsama had to say on the matter to a woman who wrote in about this very thing. His response to her was this:

Are you a Facebook ho and accept all friend requests, or do you want to set up a friend criteria? Sooner or later you will have to choose the latter. I had a great conversation from a “mom” perspective with my wife and her cousin about this. Cousin Madge put it in simple terms, “I befriend them on Facebook if I feel comfortable enough with showing my kids’ pics to them.”

I love the simplicity of the response. The first thing you should ask yourself is: are you comfortable in having this person added as your friend? If not, your answer is already loud and clear.

Now, by having a lot of contacts, I’m in no way implying that you are seeking friends on Facebook as a social badge of honor—but let’s be candid here, there are people out there who do. They feel that if they have a slew of ‘friends’ on their list, it makes them important and gives them some kind of cyberspacular popularity.

Is that what you want; five hundred ‘friends’ whom you could care less about, or thirty you really like? Now, maybe you really do have five hundred people whom you love and they all love you back; and maybe I’m incredibly jealous because of it… perhaps you also found the secret way to get into Narnia AND Hogwarts. If so, add me as your friend, too.

I would have to suggest that you need to ask yourself a few questions about your Facebook Friend Request…Would you feel comfortable in inviting this person over to dinner? Hanging out with them for an evening? Sitting with them at a social gathering for longer than twenty minutes? Sending them a friendly email? Calling them on the phone just to say hello? Waving at them as you pass by them on the street?

If you can’t answer to yes to any of the above questions, I’d be hesitant to accept that friend request. In fact, I’d be hesitant if I could only answer yes to only one or two of them.

It was Gavin Morgan at Loose Gravel who came up with a simple ‘test’ to see whether or not you should really accept that Facebook request.

How long ago in months has it been since you last spoke to this person?

1. >24
2. 2 - 24
3. 0 - 2

*if you can't remember, then the answer is #1

How would you rate the quality of interaction you have/had with this person? If you just met the person, what is your guess about the quality of interaction you will have?

1. Nauseating to just okay
2. Pretty good
3. Exceptional

If you went the rest of your life never hearing from this person ever again, how noticeable would it be? Again, if you recently met the person, take your best guess.

1. Noticeably awesome to Would never notice
2. Occasionally noticeable
3. Extremely noticeable

If your score is 6-9, friend them; if your score is 3-5, feel free to ignore that request.

Still not convinced of what to do?

Well, if you still can’t make up your mind you could always just hit accept for now and change their settings to restricted - this way, there are limitations as to what they can view on your page and what updates the’ll have access to. You could add them to a certain group so that their updates are not shown in your usual stream, or you could even add them for now and then go in and delete them as a friend in a month or two. Since Facebook doesn’t notify people when their friendship status has been revoked, you could always just blame it on a fault in the program if the ‘revoking’ was ever discovered.

For now, it might be enough to keep the wolves off your back.

Whatever the route you choose to take, just remember that this is YOUR social network. Think of why you have it and the people you want to be a part of it. There will come a point when you have to make a decision of just who you’re willing to accept. One semi-drastic measure you could always take if you're worried about offending anyone (or are just sick of the huge list you already have) is to simply delete everyone in your friends list and start over again from scratch. I did that once and it was quite the liberating feeling; the really great thing is that nobody could say that I deleted them and only them...not when I told them that I deleted my parents, too.

Messages from the Future

Pin It I was sitting in the kitchen, getting ready to enjoy a quiet dinner, when I heard a strange sound coming from the living room. Thinking of gremlins, prowlers, and other things that go bump in the night, I went to investigate and was surprised to find my printer whirring as it woke itself up from sleep mode. Something was going on; something strange was happening.

But I hadn’t printed anything.

And yet, as I stood there, a document was emerging from the printing tray.

I cautiously leaned over and took the sheet of paper from the out-tray, feeling the heat soak into my fingers as I gazed at the letterhead - which was oddly addressed to me.

What the heck?

Well, one should always listen to their future self, right? After all, they probably know exactly what they’re talking about.

I also took the copy of Toy Story 3 over to my neighbor – with whom I share a wireless network. Funny though, he wasn’t at all surprised that I was bringing it over. I can only assume that I must have faxed him from the future as well…

Man, but I’m considerate.

My Friend, Gerb

Pin It There are friends.

And then there are those friends who are our friends through absolutely everything - through the thick and thin and everything else in the inbetween.

Yeah, you know the kind of friends that I’m talking about.

These are the kinds of friends who listen when we whine about how pathetic our lives are at a particular moment of time, and are completely nonjudgmental towards us—they are the type of people who keep our confidences and secrets; the individuals who always seem to come through for us in the times of our greatest need.

In my life I have a handful of these types of friends; I really do. The type that go the distance and whom I count as the ‘above and beyonders’ in my life.

But today I wish to focus on only one of them.

Heroes - Ron Firmage

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There are people who drift in and out of our lives as the years trudge relentlessly onward; some of these individuals flash for a brief moment of time, like a star blazing through the atmosphere, while others remain constant like the rising and setting of the sun, lighting the way for those in the world around them. These are the people who inspire us to be better; they lift us when they discover we’re in low moments, they give to others in want, they look for what needs to be done and simply do it – oftentimes without waiting to be asked.

Teacher Ron Firmage is one of these individuals.

I first met Ron eleven years ago – back when I was just a budding teacher myself – straight from the chute at BYU, with a head full of dreams and an overwhelming enthusiasm that teaching always seems to inspire.

The Visitor - or Oddity

Pin It Updated at the end...
My class of fifth graders and I were in the middle of a lesson on literature responses when the oddity waltzed in through the classroom door; her brightly lit clothes seemed to match her eccentric behavior as she drew in an exaggerated breath, stood for a moment in muted silence, and gazed out at the tables of students.

A hush fell over the class as they stared at this girl who immediately began to babble on like a cretin. She asked whose birthday it was today in the room – it would just so happen that today was the day *Joey had selected to celebrate his unbirthday because his usually takes place during the summer. I figured that this girl was one of those paid performers who deliver singing telegrams and such, so I took a seat and let her go on – making a mental note to call Joey’s parents and let them know that they really do need to make a teacher aware of things like this beforehand so instruction time isn’t disrupted.

This girl immediately breezed over to Joey - which really unnerved him to be honest, as he is usually shy and reserved. She at once raised her ukulele and began to caterwaul something about it being his unbirthday. Of course she did it with gusto, and I guess that that was the most important part. The part that started to bother me is that she didn’t leave after she was done like most singing telegram deliverers do.

Joey cringed as she reached into her small handbag and pulled out a bag of chocolate chip cookies; he has a fear of people who make sudden movements close to him and I could only wonder why his parents would torture him like this; maybe it was therapeutic? She began waving this bag around and I could only hope that she’d bought them from a reputable bakery.

Joey just slouched in his chair a little and looked ready to bolt.

Still I waited for her to leave as she did this tiptoe floating thing around the room, every breath she took seemed like she were gasping for life because of her excitement; I could tell that the students were wary of that bag of cookies she practically thrust into each of their faces. I just know that the training each of their parents had given them about strangers with candy and motorists with puppies was now kicking into play and a few of them looked around apprehensively. I made a decision to chat with Joey’s parents about this type of unbirthday well wishing in the future.

I still waited for her to leave, but she didn’t. She began talking about secret places they could go to at any moment they wished and I began to wonder if this woman were really sent by one of the parents. I grabbed my camera and took a few shots to send to the police just in the event that she were a raving lunatic and they’d need to find her in the future.

As I rose to call the office on the classroom phone, the girl suddenly whipped out her ukulele again and played a departing song. She babbed on, saying something about living with rats (probably from living in a substandard housing development) and vanished out the door without a trace.

The class sat in stunned silence for nearly ten seconds, and then breathed a collective sigh of relief.

I had them start the next lesson of the day and made a quick phone call to Joey’s parents. They in turn let me know that they hadn’t sent his unbirthday treats yet, and would be in later that afternoon. I thanked them and made a call to the office, letting them know the whole situation.

My principal asked for copies of the photos I’d taken and quickly had some posters made for the neighborhood. He also set up a quick assembly with the school to talk about ‘stranger danger’ and what to do in the future in a lockdown situation.

I still wonder who that girl really was…

Update: BTW, if you haven't clicked here, you just might want to do so…it will explain some things. It is not too dissimilar to what happened last year and another time the year before...


*Not his real name.

The Message

Pin It I found the message. I couldn’t believe it because I thought I had accidentally deleted it nearly a year ago.

The message? What was it? Well, to explain that I must take you back first…do you remember that time about 18 months ago when I told you that I was asked out for ‘dinner and a movie?’

Yeah, this is no big deal, and most certainly not an unusual thing for a girl to ask a guy out nowadays…but what if you were being asked out by a dude?

Really?

Well, because of a case of mistaken identity, what I actually had thought was my neighbor and his wife wanting to hang out, it turned out to be a prearranged meeting with the member of the same sex. My thoughts turned immediately to a revelation a friend of mine had made sometime before. She admitted that two of her gay friends at one time or another had said that both my brother and I were some ‘serious eye candy.’ It seemed that I was, yet again, bane to the curse of good looks…

What can I say? People have taste.

Unfortunately, I had also committed to this meeting before I actually knew what was going on. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, but knew most certainly that didn’t want to go on this particular little outing.

To remedy the dilemma, I called up two of my good friends, Craig and Shayla. I explained my predicament and both were sympathetic. They agreed to meet me at Chili’s and we would turn this into a group ‘hang out’ session. I can’t tell you how grateful I was for both of these friends saving me from this particular event in my life.

To make a long story short, the guy who’d done the inviting apparently didn’t want to hang out with the three of us and opted to cut out early. Meanwhile Craig, Shayla and I had a great evening together getting dessert, heading out to listen to a friend of Shayla’s perform, checking out the newest in music and video at the local entertainment store, and planning to TP certain individual’s houses.

However, I have to admit that the climax of the whole affair didn’t come until the next day. It came in the form of the message I got from Craig. This is just another reminder of why I have some of the greatest friends that the world can supply…



Now, don't you wish that Craig was your friend, too?

The California Experience - Day 4

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There is so much to tell about the trip to Alcatraz. Too much. I will (for the last time in a while) let the images speak for themselves...

A photoshoot in Alcatraz? Yeah, kind of demented, I know...

Going in...

Solitary confinement…it's a lot darker with the door closed and the camera shutter speed not decreased so much on my camera.

My pathetic prophecy from Zambini in Goonies.

This portion of the trip to Haight and Ashbury was pretty cool, however, you'll need to head to Four Perspectives tomorrow in order to read about it...

10:42 P.M.

Pin It I lie here awake tonight still. Sleep just won’t come and I find myself reaching for my laptop to write about it. That should give you an idea of just what an obsessed blogger I really am.

Pitiful.

I scrolled through playlist after playlist on my iPod, searching for something to induce slumber, but I came up with nothing. After trying two different audio books, I switched to decades playlists.

Nothing still.

Song after song came on which didn’t lull me to sleep, but rather made me think even more; my mind careening through dozens of things over which I have absolutely no control. I find this increasingly distressing since I retired to bed well over an hour ago, and I am still wide-awake.

A certain song came on which made me think of a longtime friend who used to live across the street; if I saw her light on, I’d call—and vice-versa. We’d have long discussions into the night until we’d both felt ready to truly retire for the evening.

We’ve both moved to different places since those days, and the luxury of simply looking out the window to see if the other was sleepless is now gone. Sometimes I miss the fact that it was all that easy.

I also hate the fact that tomorrow morning I’ll wake up, and instead of feeling refreshed and invigorated; I’ll be sluggish from the lack of hours I had to rest.

Okay, shutting up…

A Little Talk with Teachinfourth

Pin It Subject: The Par-tay.

Let’s have a conversation together, shall we? I feel that we have never really had the chance to just talk, you know? Sure, comments can be left behind in one’s passing wake, but these are telltale marks, much like instant messages read hours or days after the event has taken place. This is not the same as actually having a real conversation, is it?

I thought not.

So, here’s how it’s going to work…I’ve provided a script, and I’ve recorded a phone ‘conversation’ for you as well! I know what you’re probably thinking…Wow, technology has come so far, hasn’t it? You’re right, it has!

Whenever you’re ready, simply click the ‘play’ button below this message and then start your side of the script…be sure that you do your part well, okay? I’m forever telling my class to read with expression…what I’m asking you is to simply act like this is really real. In other words, have a conversation with me.

Don’t worry, it’ll make sense.

Now, you have a line after every one of mine…I’ll make it easy for you too, I start off with the word “Hello” after I pick up the phone, okay?

Ready, set, go!



Part YOU:

You: Hi, this is (insert name here), is this really you?

You: Well, you just sound different than I expected you would.

You: Exactly.

You: Teachinfourth, I’m bored…I've got nothing to do on Wednesday...

You: Unfortunately, no.

You: Wait, what did I just plan?

You: What? You mean that movie is returning to the theater after nearly fifteen years?

You: Well, how can I come?

You: Yeah

You: The password?

You: That’s it?

You: Well, should I bring something? You know, Halloween treats? Stuff like Cobweb Cookies or Harry Potter Punch?

You: What if nobody shows up at your little shindig?

You: How do I find your place, Teachinfourth?

You: Rock on, Halloween!

You: Can I tell you something, Teachinfourth?

You: Yeah, I want to tell you my deepest, darkest, secrets.

You: (You have approximately 15 seconds to share your deep secrets).

You: Well, yours IS my favorite blog, you know.

You: I wouldn’t lie about something like that.

You: Anything for you, Teachinfourth. You just name it.

You: You got it.

You: You, too.

You: (Ad lib here; you have approximately 12 seconds).

You: Catch you later, Teachinfourth, thanks for chatting

You: See ya.

You: Bye.


Hope to see you all on Wednesday…

Yellow Rooms, distant canyons, & facial hair

Pin It I must preface this post with the message that this experience occurred some four months ago. However, due to other things far more pressing in my life, it became lost—buried in a sea of documents on a laptop—only to be rediscovered again tonight as I was poking around in search of something else.

I present it now—four months late. But as the saying goes, it is better late than never.

So, please imagine that I am down in Hurricane, Utah at the present moment…summer is just beginning and a whole lifetime of adventures await…


The light knock sounded on the door of the ‘yellow room’ this morning; I say the yellow room because that is the color of the room which I’m staying…bright, and cheery. Like a dear friend which eagerly awaits your arrival; I could say the same of the Monk Family—much more like my own family than simply friends, but I digress.

The knock sounded followed by the nervous voice, “Are you awake?”

The door cracked open just a portion; enter ten year-old Tanner, youngest mancub of said ‘family,’ asking if I would be willing to take a hike to the local canyon, ‘Three Falls.’

He’d been asking since yesterday, so within ten minutes said boy and I were hiking along the street, backpacks and water bottles in tow, ready to conquer not just one or two, but all three falls of the valley at road’s end.

As we came to the mouth of the ravine, the sun shone in some places, while not in others. The aqueduct built years before for the overflow of water from the ravine was slightly reminiscent of fortress battlements.


“I sometimes come up here and pretend that this is a castle,” Tanner admitted. “I imagine that I’m defending it from invaders like Orcs.”


We made our way up the steep hillsides littered with loose stones and precarious ledges as we ascended the way to three falls.

“I like it here,” Tanner said as we stopped for a water break sometime later. “It’s quiet.”

As if in reply to his words, the lamenting wind began to blow through the jags of stone and heave a long, melodious sigh—as if hopeful to whisper its secrets to those with ears attuned to listen.

As we climbed higher, the sun rose above us, waxing everything over with its warm rays. When I climbed down to a certain part of two falls to investigate its safety, Tanner waited at the top. As I made the arduous climb back to the promontory where Tanner awaited I made a request, “Tanner…I need some music to help me climb. Give me a soundtrack, boy!”

To this, Tanner promptly started to belt out:

“Right now you can hardly breathe…
But you can do it just.know.that.I.believe…
Then that’s all you really need
So come on, I’ll make you strong…it’s time to turn it up, GAME ON!”

Sung like a true ten year-old who loves High School Musical.

And with that brief harmonious interlude, we continued on our venture up the desolate gorge. As we walked, Tanner asked, “I was wondering, when do people go through puberty?”

Thinking that this was really a subject best broached by parents, I decided to give only the barest of answers to questions he might ask, and deflect the rest of them to his mom and dad.

“It’s different for everybody,” I said. “For some people, it starts when they’re ten or eleven, for others it’s even later like fifteen or sixteen. However, it usually starts somewhere around twelve.”

He quietly mulled this over for a minute or two as we trudged along.

“You know why I’m excited for puberty?”

I had to be honest, I had no idea. I couldn’t remember being excited about anything when it came to puberty when I was a kid; nothing that is unless you counted getting taller.

Tanner leaned in close and whispered, “Sideburns.”

“Sideburns?”

“Yeah,” he rubbed his cheeks with the back of his hand. “I’d like to have some sideburns.”

Once again, the mancub surprises me

Repost: Brothers & Sisters - A Blessing or a Curse?

Pin It Originally posted on January 2, 2008

In reading back on old posts, this one really stood out; this was the moment in time when I really started to gain a relationship with my younger brother. Up to this point in time, I saw him as nothing more than the bane of my existence...but with a few magical little words, our relationship changed forever.

When I was in sixth or seventh grade, perhaps even a little older, I had a little brother that I absolutely detested. He constantly whined, got into my things without permission, ruined my library books, and generally made a nuisance of himself.

In other words, I loathed the little blighter.

I remember the frustration I felt on the day we moved and my parents informed me that my little brother and I would be sharing a bedroom together.

Just great.

I felt that my parents were intentionally ruining my life and trying to make me miserable. As a result, I blamed my little brother and thought about how much I hated him, this in turn made me feel all the more miserable and sorry for myself.

After some time of sharing a room with Yancy, something changed our relationship forever. It all started on one night when I was getting ready for bed and Yancy, somewhat apprehensively, asked from the top bunk, “Would you read me a story tonight?”

Like most older brothers, I didn’t want anything to do with him, but he had asked nicely. I thought perhaps that I would read to him, this way I could avoid having to listen to his endless chatter, something he was well known for at bedtime.

That night I chose to read to him from “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe” by C.S. Lewis. I thought for sure that he would quickly become bored with the story, lose interest, and not ask for me to read to him again. You can imagine my surprise when he thanked me at the conclusion of several chapters. When he dropped off to sleep, I thought about how good it felt to read to him. The next night the same thing happened, and even though I had homework, I put it off so I could read a few chapters to Yancy. He in turn expressed just as much gratitude as the night before. After a few days of this, reading became our nightly ritual before bed, whether I had finished my homework or not. I would read until his eyes would become so heavy he couldn’t possibly keep them open any longer. Some nights when I stopped reading he would wake up, still groggy-eyed and beg, “Please read just a little bit longer.”

We soon finished all of “The Chronicles of Narnia” and moved on to other books that I loved, such as “James and the Giant Peach,” “The Great Brain,” and even a few stories I had written myself. It was from this small beginning that not only a love for literature was born, but a love between my brother and me.

The years have fled since those days, but the relationship that I share with my brother has only become stronger. He has been the greatest friend I’ve ever had, and we are closer today than at any other time in our lives. As I look back at the origins of our relationship, I realize that when I read to him each night I was putting his needs before mine. It was by performing this service to my little brother, I came to appreciate him more as well. I am so grateful and thank my lucky stars that I had a little brother, who so many years ago uttered the words, “Would you read me a story tonight?”

Four Perspectives

Pin It I’d like to invite you.

Yes, you.

I am setting out on a new endeavor with a few friends of mine.

I know…crazy; one more thing to keep up on when my life is now a whirlwind of events.

http://fourperspectives.com/

I’d be flattered if you stopped by; moreso if you did it more than once.

Trust

Pin It I was reading a friend’s blog this morning. I call this person a friend though we’ve never met face to face, we’ve never exchanged letters or email, and we’ve never spoken to each other.

Yet, we’re friends.

I was reading over her blog entry this morning about something.

Trust.

Belief.

Honesty.

It’s amazing to me that a blog is such a great medium. I still find myself overwhelmed from time to time by the ability individuals have to write the thoughts of their hearts and send these out to the cyber world, and then have these items found—perhaps followed—by people whom they’ve never even met.

We laugh with them.

We cheer along with them.

We cry with them.

We—in the darkness of our private sanctuaries—even get down on our knees and pray for their well-being.

We become connected.

Words and experiences can indeed be a powerful thing.

They can lift. They can build. They can inspire.

They can also destroy.

What brings this on today?

I was thinking that if I really wanted to, I could create an entire life; I could create a whole existence which simply did not exist and shuttle this off to the blogger world; but really, what would be the point?

My mom reads this.

My mom would know.

It’s interesting that there is a group of people we meet though a medium like Blogger, but we really don’t know them…sure we know parts of them…but we don’t know all of them; but then again…we shouldn’t. Nobody knows each and every part of us. Every secret longing of our hearts, every silent apprehension we hold.

No.

We are all puzzles.

The readers slowly put the pieces together along with their own experiences and ‘create’ a person on the other end of the keyboard. But in reality, we really don’t know them.

I look forward to a day when I can ‘meet’ some of my blogger friends (since I already know about 75% of them) face to face and we can—for the first time—hear each others’ voices, listen to each other laugh, and get one more piece to add to that ever-changing and complex puzzle known as…you.

Making Memories

Pin It When we don’t have plans we can either wait for someone to make the magic happen, or we can put the magic into motion ourselves. This Friday night I had no prospects, so I called a few friends of mine and put something into movement.

A group of old and new friends met at “The Trolley” down in Art City last night. We laughed for hours. We reminisced of yesterday. We spoke of the future. We had a wonderful time.

We all need good friends.