Reflections of Insecurity

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There are times in my life when people point out my flaws. I know that these imperfections exist. I am conscious that I have them. Believe me, there is nobody in this world that knows better than I do that they exist.

Do I try to be better?

Yes.

Am I perfect?

Far from it.

Yet, when people seem inclined point out my failings and the places where I am deficient in life, I always find myself pondering these non-successes with an intensity that borders on merciless. It isn’t long before I start to berate myself, and I begin to focus on all the other shortcomings that I have—all of those things that others know nothing about, and I add them to the list of reasons why I am a complete failure as a person.

This happened recently.

When I awoke this morning I was so distraught that I didn’t feel like going to work. I found myself sinking into the whirlpool of depression and despair as I thought of all the ways in life I hadn’t succeeded, and those ways in which I’ve been a disappointment.

I laid there in bed staring at the ceiling, hardly mustering up the energy to get ready for the day. I thought about school. I thought about calling in ill. After all, one who felt in such dire straits as myself could hardly be expected to go to work and have the energy and vigor expected of a teacher, could they?

I need a hero

Pin It There are times in my life when I’m ready to give up.

I look at the obstacles before me, and I think that they are too much for me to handle.

There’s simply no way I could do it all on my own.

Then, along comes someone who is an inspiration. A person who’s either already overcome the odds, or is currently doing it.

It’s people like this which inspire me. Their example encourages me to pick myself up off the ground. Though I know I will probably fall again, it is these examples which keep me believing that I can overcome and succeed.

Some of these people are around me; I see them day to day. I count on them, yet they have no idea of the impact they make on my life; little life-saving moments in time. And there are others…those who do not know me. They’ve never heard of my little blog, and chances are—never will they do so. Some of them inspire me to be my best, to get up when I fall, and to believe in that power we all have inside.

May Nick Santonastasso’s story inspire you, like he does for me.

Saturday is a special day...

Pin It Today is a red-letter day in the annals of time.

Why is that?

Because today is the day my photography website is 99% completed.

What? Are you serious?

Yep, just like a chemistry final.

Can I look at it now?

No, I just updated the main page with a message announcing that Saturday is the day.


Why not put it up tonight or tomorrow? Why wait until Saturday?

Well, tomorrow is Halloween…I don’t want anything to take from one of my absolute favorite holidays, besides there are a few more ‘tweaks’ I need to do before I want to show it to the world. When you think about it, you’ve waited this long right? What are a few more days?

Good point. So, what are you changing?

Well, I gave my sister a ‘sneak peek’ at the site for any recommendations she had. She did offer up a few suggestions of things I could do so as to make the site a bit better…friendlier.

So, are you going to do anything to kick off the new site?

Oh, there’ll be something…it will be cool.

What do you have planned?

Check back on Saturday and you’ll find out. I also hope everybody will let me know what they think of the site. A lot of time, money, and hard work have gone into bringing my photography to the masses. It’s exciting really. To be honest, I want to publish it right now, but then it will be a bummer because it’s more or less the dress rehearsal, not the actual performance.

You mean, some of the buttons might not work properly?

That’s EXACTLY what I’m saying. Some of the ‘lines’ of code might not be just right. Heck, even when I publish the thing there will undoubtedly still be a few errors here and there…I’m counting on my friends to point these out so I can fix them…that way, I won’t look like an idiot to the world at large.

So, Saturday?

Saturday it is. What a red-letter day.

Resolutions and Mistakes

Pin It Boy, I’ve made a lot of these in my life.

It seems that I continually make the same mistakes over and over again, and never quite seem to learn my lesson. Sort of like the character, Bruce, in Bill Peet’s book: Big Bad Bruce. Even though there are consequences to this bear’s actions, he just doesn’t learn his lesson.

This is me. But am I doing any better than I was before in my areas of weakness?

I was thinking recently about Jack Marshall. He is a man I heard speak of endorsing yourself for efforts you make in your life; not only the successes. He said, “We oftentimes gauge a failure or success by the outcome, not looking at the efforts involved. Efforts, many times, therein is the success…I’ll call them “part acts.” We make resolutions…yet we often feel that we blow them. We fail to see the part acts, our efforts. If we would look at these, we would have greater hope.”

He went on to talk about the times we make resolutions…resolutions to try harder, to do better, to be better. He said we need to acknowledge and endorse our partial acts. If we resolve to lose weight, then if we eat one less chocolate-chip cookie, we are indeed doing better.

A few years ago I was talking to a friend of mine about how I had only gone to the gym for about 20 minutes, did a quick workout, and then left for the rest of the day. I felt terrible because I hadn’t stayed longer. To this she so wisely replied, “Twenty minutes is more than you were doing before, which was nothing, right?

I firmly believe that we need to stop being so hard on ourselves. If everything we want to accomplish does not get done, this is okay. We just need to be doing better than we were before…endorsing ourselves for every effort, not just our successes…

Mother Theresa was asked by a newspaper reporter (when she was going to receive the Nobel Peace Prize for her humanitarian efforts) why she worked so hard with the impoverished…the reporter said that there will never really be an end to poverty and therefore, her work would never really end. To this, Mother Theresa said, “We are not called to be successful in all things; we are called to be faithful in all things.”

As I shut down my computer, my list of things to do today is not yet done, and yet, I am going to bed.

Good job, me.

Destruction and Rebuilding

Pin It I am a sixth grade teacher and my school recently went through many renovations over the summer. Prior to this renovation, I had to completely disband my classroom and put everything into storage. The room was totally “gutted” as the ceiling was torn down along with the lights, and the carpet was ripped up.

Basically, I found myself no longer the teacher with a classroom, but instead a large, empty, concrete box. It was a lonely and sad feeling to walk into what was once a room in which I’d taught over 200 students over the past 7 years and have it now feel so barren and dead.

The summer passed somewhat quickly and still the box of emptiness remained. I’d go out to the school from time to time to see the advancement of the new sprinkler system as well as the other reformations—anxiously awaiting completion so I could restore my classroom back to how it was.

The weeks passed and still the room remained as it was. Eventually, I stopped going by the school because no progress was being made on the room whatsoever. It was about two weeks ago that I went out the school and still nothing had been done (with the exception of the sprinkler system) the room was still a ceiling less, lightless, carpet less, hapless, hopeless, loneliness pit of despair which I couldn’t stand being in or seeing.

This week I went to my classroom to discover that the lights and carpet had been installed…granted, there was still no ceiling or tile, and there was a huge mess left behind from the workers, but it was a start. As I began to repaper the walls and clean, as well as all of the other little things which made my classroom mine, I found myself feeling overwhelmed. There was simply too much to do and the room seemed so vast. I began to sort through boxes and felt surges of nostalgia upon seeing items from past school years, reminders of the students who’d entered the room and shared in educational experiences for nearly a year at a time.

I left the room today with still a long way to go to be prepared for Back to School Night on Thursday of this week; as I left I felt a certain overwhelmed feeling that anyone who is an educator can understand and who has most certainly felt at one time or another.

Yet, another feeling came to me as well…as I was putting my classroom back together, there was a thrill of newness…a new carpet, a ceiling (which will eventually get done…hopefully, before Back to School Night). As I looked around there was a exhilaration of the possibilities. What will the classroom be like this year? How will it be different? How will it be the same? Here I am given a chance to rebuild what I once had and change it into something more that I want. I also found that this is a prime time for dejunking…I am sure that you know what I am talking about when it comes to dejunking…all of that clutter that takes up our storage space and we keep simply because we aren’t quite ready to toss it…we may need it sometime in the future—granted, I haven’t used any of it in the past five years, but you can never know just when it might come in handy.

In working in my classroom, it is easy to relate this to life. How often have I felt like I had been completely gutted? How many times have I had to “rebuild” myself from scratch? Yes, there are always things to improve upon…things I need to make better and rid myself of…in other words…dejunking. Scrapping all of those things that hold me back from achieving—from making a real and positive difference in the lives of others—all of those things which keep me from being the best that I can be as an individual.

I am far from perfect. Even with the alterations I make to myself from week to week and day to day, I still have a long way to go. There are many things I still have yet to change and need to do, however, like my classroom, they do not all have to be done today. Do I need to have the room completely finished for Back to School Night right this very minute? No. Even on that night does everything have to be 100% complete the way I envision it? No, it doesn’t…I will be making changes throughout my entire life, and these changes, like those in my classroom, do not all have to be perfect and completed right now…