I found myself on the threshold of decisions this morning as I rolled over and looked at my alarm clock. I blinked unbelievingly at the time displayed: 3:30.
Should I get up or just lay here?
As I stared up at the ceiling fan, a thousand questions rattled about inside my head, like pennies in an empty coffee can. I knew if I were to get up, I would most likely become tired early in the day – probably being spent by lunchtime. This was doubtless not the best alternative when one has a class of 26 rambunctious students, and faced with the likelihood of an inside day if the temperature is too low…
Pin ItI lie here awake tonight still. Sleep just won’t come and I find myself reaching for my laptop to write about it. That should give you an idea of just what an obsessed blogger I really am.
Pitiful.
I scrolled through playlist after playlist on my iPod, searching for something to induce slumber, but I came up with nothing. After trying two different audio books, I switched to decades playlists.
Nothing still.
Song after song came on which didn’t lull me to sleep, but rather made me think even more; my mind careening through dozens of things over which I have absolutely no control. I find this increasingly distressing since I retired to bed well over an hour ago, and I am still wide-awake.
A certain song came on which made me think of a longtime friend who used to live across the street; if I saw her light on, I’d call—and vice-versa. We’d have long discussions into the night until we’d both felt ready to truly retire for the evening.
We’ve both moved to different places since those days, and the luxury of simply looking out the window to see if the other was sleepless is now gone. Sometimes I miss the fact that it was all that easy.
I also hate the fact that tomorrow morning I’ll wake up, and instead of feeling refreshed and invigorated; I’ll be sluggish from the lack of hours I had to rest.
It’s amazing to me just how well Matchbox 20 nailed it. As I look at the digital clock on the microwave it currently reads 2:55 a.m.; nearly 3 and I am still awake.
This always seems to happen right before I depart on a trip; I just can’t seem to find that place where dreams meet reality. So I instead just lie there, staring up at the ceiling fan, my mind a tumult of thoughts which tumble about my head like mismatched socks in the dryer without a fabric softener sheet. It amazes me that all of these reflections waited for the onset of night to unleash their full vehemence.
And so I am still awake while the rest of you slumber.
Tonight I have been thinking a lot about family. About the temporary state of life. About the limited time we all have here on this fragile, little planet flying haphazardly through empty space.
I was thinking about my parents tonight.
I was thinking about the time when they will no longer be here.
I was thinking about the limited moments that they—as well as all of us—have remaining to us.
I was thinking about this little space on the web I come to every few days to write the daily adventures—and misadventures—of my own daily living.
I have no answers tonight. I have no deep insight. I have no magical cures for ailments or problems of the world as I sit here while most of you dream away these remaining predawn hours.
There are times though that I wish that I did. I wish that I had that magical wand to make everything better, to help those in distress, to make everything alright.
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It’s been nine months; full gestation. Tomorrow the contractions will be induced. After labor, new life will exist and move into the world.
Sixth graders
The clock steadily rolls past 10, and I am yet awake.
I sit in quiet introspect tonight as the icemaker drops a few more cubes into the holding chamber in the freezer, the mechanics of the refrigerator silently hum as the fan in the living room makes a slight clicking noise as it turns in an endless circle.
It’s been nine months since I posted another blog about sleeplessness in Utah; about the night before the first day of school. I find myself having traveled that long tunnel and now I am looking back through it to the light which now glimmers so dimly from the other side. It seems an eternity ago that I wrote that post.
So much has happened since then.
So much has changed.
Twas the night before the last day of school.
Seems sorely familiar doesn’t it? So long ago, and yet as recent as the last time I’d listened to Natasha Beddingfield’s, “Unwritten.”. Which—consequently—was tonight at our class program.
It was only a moment ago that I was setting out on a new adventure at a new school, with a new classroom and a whole new group of students.
And here I am again, standing on the threshold of yet another grand, new adventure.
Saying goodbye.
The year has soared on lightning wings; a part of me cannot believe that it happened as quickly as it did, yet it has. And here I am…again.
Sleeplessness in Utah.
Strange that the source of said wakefulness is the same; yet different at the same time.
However, this time it is not the anticipation which is making me wait...
Pin ItUnfortunately this owed the fact that I couldn’t sleep last night; and this, regrettably, was due to a migraine. Yes, the dreaded nemesis had returned to deprive me of yet another night of blissful slumber. But I recede myself.
A few hours after my headache was gone, I found myself still awake, staring up at the ceiling fan. Amazing how many times that thing can turn in the space of about a second, isn’t it?
I finally reached for my laptop and decided to write a blog. As I began to write, I felt myself not wishing to share the story of a migraine, and yet another night of sleeplessness at an undisclosed southern address. I closed down Word, and instead found myself at YouTube.
Ah…YouTube.
Hours of pointless, wanton, worthless video files. To an insomniac; a veritable treasure trove of entertainment.
Okay, I lied…after all, I didn’t find anything worth watching…for the most part it was a marathon in stupidity which left me feeling a bit more unintelligent than when I’d first logged on. That is, with everything I watched, save this…
Now, before you click the ‘play’ button and anxiously watch the video I discovered, just know this…this is cool.
However, watch at your own risk.
P.S. The very beginning and ending of this video are not my favorites…however, the middle, is ‘awesome’ to coin a phrase from the 80’s generation…a real ‘thriller.’
Now that you’ve watched it, this is what is going on…from what I understand this is a group of somewhere between 1,500 – 2,000 inmates of the Cebu Provincial Detention and RehabilitationCenter, in Cebu, The Philippines. This rehab center is trying to make the inmates better through rehab with physical exercise, uplifting music, and something nonviolent: dance. There are several videos of these men performing on YouTube, this was the first one I watched. The person who posted the video said that this was not actually the inmates’ final routine, but merely a practice so it still contains a few flaws. Of course, seeing this video clip took me back to a movie I’d watched at the theatre a few years ago, moreover, a particular scene which made the audience break out into cheers…without further ado, I share that with you as well:
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We arrived back in Hurricane at about 12:30 this morning, yet, for some reason, I find myself unable to sleep. It eludes me, like the words of that song I love so much. I have tossed and turned for the past two hours, and I still find myself completely wide awake. It could be from the heat, still lingering from the day. Or, it could be from the torrent of thoughts racing about my head, unstilled and unquieted. Perhaps there is another reason which I still have yet to fathom…
The reason for this insomnia is unclear, but it is certainly not welcome for the sun will rise and a day will need to be spent. I do not wish to spend it in a slumber. However, after the seventeen-hour excursion today, one might consider it justified.
Since the rest I so urgently desire is unavailable, I will instead comment on the trip.
Snowflake was a town which has the bluest skies and the most beautiful clouds. I couldn’t help but notice this because of the lack of looming mountains which can impede a view of such sights. Though it is a town that a visit to may be nice, I would not want to live there…the same would go for all of the towns we passed between here and there. There were a few photograph-worthy moments along the way, but these still lay within the solitary confines of my camera, and I do wish to walk across the room to retrieve it so as to upload them. This I plan to do later today, or perhaps even tomorrow.
Originally, my plan was to leave later today for the familiar sweeping landscape of the San Rafael Swell. I miss that place, I long to be there…the place where I can close my eyes and hear the world around me, arrayed in spotlessness. I think, perhaps, I will instead leave on Thursday or Friday. I need to have at least one more visit with my aunt and cousins, and there is one more photoshoot I need to make for my friend, Michelle.
The desert will wait for me…it always does.
I do need to make yet another attempt at sleep. I will leave this post until later today and will plan to finish it.
