Starfish

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There is a story you’ve probably been privy to sometime in your life. In fact, I can remember writing a post about it a few years ago. The basic idea is that of a man walking along the beach; he notices a boy picking up starfish. These creatures are slowly withering in the sun, so the boy tosses them back into the ocean where they can survive. When the man gives the boy the news that even his best efforts will be in vain—that there are simply far too many starfish to even begin to think that he could make a difference—the boy tells the man about how change comes to each as an individual.

As a teacher, each year I feel that I am that boy. I walk along the beach throughout the days, and I throw starfish into the vast ocean of knowledge. I relish in the thought that—while in my classroom—they are becoming so much more than what they once were. That they are being instilled with basic things that will help them to become who it is that they will one day be.

I’ve noticed that there seems to be a group of starfish that I have to keep throwing back into the ocean. Then, despite my best efforts to keep them in a place where they can survive, these same creatures crawl out of the life-sustaining waters and lie on the scorching sand where they again begin to wither away.

I pick them up over and over, throwing them into the blue waters; then, before I know it, they are again crawling out. My strength is redoubled as I center my attention these half-dozen starfish that seem to have a secret death wish.

It’s exhausting.

I also discovered that I usually don’t give near enough attention to those starfish that are floating about in the shallows, and nearly nothing to those who are out in the depths. After all, I know that those starfish will be okay. These are the urchins that will make it. These are they who will survive.

The school year ended today. My two and one-half dozen students left the classroom. They had walked in this morning as fifth graders, and left as sixthers. An entire year had flown by as fleetingly as the tide.

As they filed past me, I handed them their classroom placements for next year, and I looked at each one of them as an individual starfish. I thought of the progress each of them had made—or hadn’t made—during the year. I looked at those I had worked the hardest with—but who still left the classroom pretty much the same way as they came in. Despite my best efforts, these were they who were content to laze in the blistering sands.

It was hard to watch them leave, knowing that in nine months I had so little effect them; that they were so obstinate that they were happy staying the exact same as they were.

As a teacher, I want all of my students to be successful. I want them all to achieve. I want them all to thirst for knowledge. I want them all to want to give nothing but their personal best.

Sadly, this is not to be.

Over the years I’ve learned that each must decide on their own what it is that they will do and who they will become. When I talked with a friend earlier tonight, she spoke about measuring successes in life not solely on the outcome, but on the efforts put into the endeavor—our partial successes and achievements. We should never feel that our energies are wasted when trying to help another.

As a teacher, I want my students to achieve. I would love for each of them to always do their personal best, and I will continue to help them as best as I can.

I am a thrower of starfish.

Even to those who don’t like the ocean.

The Wall

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There are days I know I’ve given my all.

I arrive to work long before the sun comes up, and usually find myself leaving when it’s completed its journey down into the fiery blanket of the western skyline.

I thought about this tonight.

I thought about my life.

I thought about the people that you just can’t seem to please, no matter what…despite the hours you put in, heedless of the amazingness you try feed into the day, there are those who just don’t seem to feel that your efforts have merit; it seems that all they are capable of viewing is that which you didn’t do.

You know those people I’m talking about, don’t you?

Of course, my greatest archenemy is probably none other than I, the scrutinizer extraordinaire. No matter what we do, it never quite seems to be enough for us to feel good about who we are…there’s always one more thing we should have gotten accomplished before day’s end.

And so today, I hit the wall.

No, not literally, but figuratively.

It was akin to finding yourself standing in front of a brick roadblock that is far too high to climb, and too step to traverse. You sit before it, dejected, and know that you are beaten as the rain thunders down from a vortexual sky.

There’s no point in going any further; there is nothing you can do.

You feel your weakened resolve as it begins to crumble, and you succumb into apathy.

It’s then, in that quiet moment that you make the decision not to give up, you realize that it is the wall that will come down.

It must.

A brick is pushed loose and the entire peak comes crashing down in a heap of dusty rubble.

And when the dust clears, you stand, straighten your shoulders, and you keep on running.

Reflections of Insecurity

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There are times in my life when people point out my flaws. I know that these imperfections exist. I am conscious that I have them. Believe me, there is nobody in this world that knows better than I do that they exist.

Do I try to be better?

Yes.

Am I perfect?

Far from it.

Yet, when people seem inclined point out my failings and the places where I am deficient in life, I always find myself pondering these non-successes with an intensity that borders on merciless. It isn’t long before I start to berate myself, and I begin to focus on all the other shortcomings that I have—all of those things that others know nothing about, and I add them to the list of reasons why I am a complete failure as a person.

This happened recently.

When I awoke this morning I was so distraught that I didn’t feel like going to work. I found myself sinking into the whirlpool of depression and despair as I thought of all the ways in life I hadn’t succeeded, and those ways in which I’ve been a disappointment.

I laid there in bed staring at the ceiling, hardly mustering up the energy to get ready for the day. I thought about school. I thought about calling in ill. After all, one who felt in such dire straits as myself could hardly be expected to go to work and have the energy and vigor expected of a teacher, could they?

Pin It I drove across town in a bleary haze. It had been a long day. It always tends to be that the long, hard days are punctuated by fatigue, aren’t they? I felt a sense of deep emptiness as I drove; the few snowflakes falling from the blackened skies caught in the beam of my headlights for just a moment, like little, white moths drawn to a bug zapper.

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As I drove, a depression I’d not felt in a while seemed to ebb though the vents and settle over me, a blanketing mist that threatened to take me under. It was a feeling of loneliness, worthlessness, and realization of all of my faults and shortcomings. It was a time of comparing myself to others, and finding that I was coming up short in so many ways.

Why wasn’t I as nice as So-and-So?
How come I wasn’t as talented as What’s-His-Face?
Why wasn’t I as organized as What’s-Her-Bucket?
When was I going to get to that immense to-do list?
Who would even care if I just stopped trying?

The feeling cast its shadow over me as I continued on my journey. Fumbling with my iPod, I found the most depressing song that I could, and proceeded to play again and again. I allowed each and every failure to take center stage in the spotlight of my mind. I allowed the emptiness to swell to mammoth proportions, and let myself feel completely despondent.

The world was a terrible place.
Nothing seemed of value.
I embraced hopelessness as an old friend.

I parked my car and wandered into the local grocery store seeking orange juice. I walked past the deli section, and the counter where I’d bought ice cream so often before. I hadn’t done that in a long time. Grudgingly, I strode up to the counter and paid for a cone. When the woman asked what flavor I wanted, I explained that I wanted her to save it for someone who really looked like they needed it. “Please give it to them,” I instructed, “and tell them that it’s from somebody who hopes they feel better soon.”

The woman smiled – a smile as big as Christmas itself – as I walked away.

I felt the tiniest spark.

I headed to the freezer section and pulled out five or so cylinders of orange juice. While walking to the check stand, one of them slipped from my grasp and rolled across the floor. A woman’s son picked it up and handed it back to me with a smile.

There was a flicker.

The cashier beamed as I paid for my things and wished me a nice day – double bagging my items so that they would be safe.

The flame was smoldering.

I strode out to my car; as I did, I changed the song on my iPod. As the new music poured from the speakers, I drove toward home. A few random snowflakes fell from the evening skies, catching in the glow of my headlights like little, white fireflies floating on the breeze.

The night was still dark, but the blackness wasn’t quite so dense.
The world was still vast, but it wasn’t as empty as it was before.
I still had problems, but they did not feel nearly so hopeless.

You know, I’m convinced that the best remedy for hopelessness is stepping around the obstacle of ourselves – even just a little bit – and opening the door of hope just wide enough so that others can poke their heads in.

Repost - More than yesterday

Pin It Originally posted on Sunday, October 19, 2008

It has been an eventful past few days.

I feel I need to write this entry for all of those who do not feel that they are who they should be—those people who feel that they are not living up to the expectations of their families, their God, their workplace, themselves…

I used to go to the gym back one upon a time ago. I remember being pretty devoted for quite a while. I’d be up at 5:00 A.M. and would get in a session before work nearly every day—there were also days I’d go back to the gym after work and hit the treadmills or stair-steppers.

Like I said, that was once upon a time ago.

I suddenly stopped going. Life got busy, and I found myself pressed for time—time which I did not have.

It was several weeks before I was finally able to make it back to the gym—and this was only for a short 15-minute visit.

I was berating myself for not having stayed longer, and for just how terribly I was doing. Later, when I was with a friend, we were having a discussion and I mentioned to her how I just wasn’t doing as well as I should in regards to the gym.

My friend looked at me and said, “Well, you’re doing a lot more than you were yesterday, which was nothing.”

These words have stuck with me throughout the past few years, and I find them reverberating in my head—quite often to be honest.

There are times in all our lives when we find ourselves lacking in one or more areas. Perhaps we aren’t eating quite as healthy as we should be, perhaps we are feeling that we aren’t spending as much time as we should with our families, maybe we’re disappointed with ourselves because of our seemingly-lowered spiritual levels, or maybe we didn’t complete that project which has been begging for our attention for quite some time.

Always know that tomorrow is yet another day—a day without mistakes in it. I’m not saying to only live for tomorrow, but instead know that it is a new start. By doing just a bit more than we already are—even just a little bit—is doing more than we’re doing now…just remember to take it bit by bit and don’t let discouragement overwhelm you.

A wise man once said that it is by doing little things that great things will ultimately come about.

By eating one less cookie than you normally would have, by putting away just one stack of papers, by walking for one song on your iPod...all of these things are milestones in the sense that they are all perhaps more than you were previously doing.

More than yesterday

Pin It It has been an eventful past few days.

I feel I need to write this entry for all of those who do not feel that they are who they should be—those people who feel that they are not living up to the expectations of their families, their God, their workplace, themselves…

I used to go to the gym back one upon a time ago. I remember being pretty devoted for quite a while. I’d be up at 5:00 A.M. and would get in a session before work nearly every day—there were also days I’d go back to the gym after work and hit the treadmills or stair-steppers.

Like I said, that was once upon a time ago.

I suddenly stopped going. Life got busy, and I found myself pressed for time—time which I did not have.

It was several weeks before I was finally able to make it back to the gym—and this was only for a short 15-minute visit.

I was berating myself for not having stayed longer, and for just how terribly I was doing. Later, when I was with a friend, we were having a discussion and I mentioned to her how I just wasn’t doing as well as I should in regards to the gym.

My friend looked at me and said, “Well, you’re doing a lot more than you were yesterday, which was nothing.”

These words have stuck with me throughout the past few years, and I find them reverberating in my head—quite often to be honest.

There are times in all our lives when we find ourselves lacking in one or more areas. Perhaps we aren’t eating quite as healthy as we should be, perhaps we are feeling that we aren’t spending as much time as we should with our families, maybe we’re disappointed with ourselves because of our seemingly-lowered spiritual levels, or maybe we didn’t complete that project which has been begging for our attention for quite some time.

Always know that tomorrow is yet another day—a day without mistakes in it. I’m not saying to only live for tomorrow, but instead know that it is a new start. By doing just a bit more than we already are—even just a little bit—is doing more than we’re doing now…just remember to take it bit by bit and don’t let discouragement overwhelm you.

A wise man once said that it is by doing little things that great things will ultimately come about.

By eating one less cookie than you normally would have, by putting away just one stack of papers, by walking for one song on your iPod...all of these things are milestones in the sense that they are all perhaps more than you were previously doing.

Let it rain

Pin It My head is full of reflections tonight; these tumble about in my head like the crystalline rushing of a mountain stream over a bed of smoothly-worn stones of thought.

I’ve come to realize just that life is much too short to live in apprehension, cowering with the fear of rejection, and listening to the whining of that little incessant voice in the back of our minds which whispers, “You just can’t do it.”

Who’s to stop me?

Probably just me, after all, I’ve done it numerous times before. I’m good at it too…too good to be exact.

The waters rush on as I stare at my computer screen tonight. As I do, I realize that there will be so much more to consider in the waters, what with the oncoming of the rain in the distant mountains.

Luckily, I do have an umbrella.

Let it rain.

Resolutions and Mistakes

Pin It Boy, I’ve made a lot of these in my life.

It seems that I continually make the same mistakes over and over again, and never quite seem to learn my lesson. Sort of like the character, Bruce, in Bill Peet’s book: Big Bad Bruce. Even though there are consequences to this bear’s actions, he just doesn’t learn his lesson.

This is me. But am I doing any better than I was before in my areas of weakness?

I was thinking recently about Jack Marshall. He is a man I heard speak of endorsing yourself for efforts you make in your life; not only the successes. He said, “We oftentimes gauge a failure or success by the outcome, not looking at the efforts involved. Efforts, many times, therein is the success…I’ll call them “part acts.” We make resolutions…yet we often feel that we blow them. We fail to see the part acts, our efforts. If we would look at these, we would have greater hope.”

He went on to talk about the times we make resolutions…resolutions to try harder, to do better, to be better. He said we need to acknowledge and endorse our partial acts. If we resolve to lose weight, then if we eat one less chocolate-chip cookie, we are indeed doing better.

A few years ago I was talking to a friend of mine about how I had only gone to the gym for about 20 minutes, did a quick workout, and then left for the rest of the day. I felt terrible because I hadn’t stayed longer. To this she so wisely replied, “Twenty minutes is more than you were doing before, which was nothing, right?

I firmly believe that we need to stop being so hard on ourselves. If everything we want to accomplish does not get done, this is okay. We just need to be doing better than we were before…endorsing ourselves for every effort, not just our successes…

Mother Theresa was asked by a newspaper reporter (when she was going to receive the Nobel Peace Prize for her humanitarian efforts) why she worked so hard with the impoverished…the reporter said that there will never really be an end to poverty and therefore, her work would never really end. To this, Mother Theresa said, “We are not called to be successful in all things; we are called to be faithful in all things.”

As I shut down my computer, my list of things to do today is not yet done, and yet, I am going to bed.

Good job, me.

State Fair and Failure

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The top nine food prevalent at the Utah State Fair (not necessarily in order and you'll also notice that corn dogs made it in more than once...)

Well, I finally broke down and went up to the Utah State Fair last night and all I have to say is that it was quite the experience. It has been several years since I had been up to a fair and I had forgotten the “trailer trash” feeling I always get while I am there. Also, there always comes that undeniable urge to go home and take a shower after touching anything. I think what made it so memorable were all of the bad haircuts on kids (probably done by parents or when the kid was playing with the weed eater), people who thought that $6 for a corndog and $10 for a beer was a total deal, and a sculpture of a cowboy on a bucking bronco formed completely out of butter...ah, the thrills of a state fair!

I do have to admit that there was at least one redeeming portion of the fair that made it sort of worth going and that was the night’s show of Terry Fator, a ventriloquist who had recently won “America’s Got Talent.” I was really impressed with his ability to control his voice and bring characters into life.

While I was at the fair I also met David Farland, an author of more than 50 books! It amazed me that there are these individuals who worked really hard at something, and then were able to do it for a living. While I walked around the displays and tried really hard not to touch anything, I thought of my own life and all of the “little” things that I can do but feel that I am more of a “jack of all trades and master of none.”

I think that we all have dreams…we all have things which we want to accomplish, yet we let fear of failure or laziness hold us back from accomplishing it. However, seldom is anything worthwhile accomplished without work.

It was this sudden realization that came to me while I was up at the Utah State Fair…that I have let too many things hold me back in the past. So, what now? Well, it seems that I need to make a choice to either put in the work and go for it or give up and fall to the fear of failure…