Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Moments with Joey - Tracking Hilarity

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SCENE 1, INTERIOR. MORNING, CLASSROOM. The teacher is taking roll for the day and submitting attendance to the office. As he does, he notices one of his fifth grade students standing in front of him with a blue sticky note and a pen. The boy is smiling as wide as Christmas.

TEACHER: Yes?

[The boy smiles even wider and rocks forward on his toes].

JOEY: You’re a funny guy; did you know that?

TEACHER: Yeah, I’m pretty much fraught with hilarity…

JOEY: See, there you go again. You’re always making us laugh with jokes and stuff. It makes the day go quicker and it’s a lot of fun.

TEACHER: I guess it helps that you can’t laugh and throw up at the same time.

JOEY: There’s another one!

TEACHER: Another one, what?

JOEY: Something funny. [There is a pause while the boy puts two tally marks on the sticky note]. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to keep track of every time you say something funny all day on this piece of paper. At the end of the day, I’ll know just how funny you really are.

TEACHER: Wow, my own personal happiness meter; you know, I might just have to scrape the rust off of my personality for today.

JOEY: That was funny, too.

[The boy adds another tally to the note and returns to his desk, looking expectantly at the teacher].

SCENES 2-13, INTERIOR SHOTS. MIDMORNING THROUGH AFTERNOON, CLASSROOM. Various quick cuts of the teacher as he is giving instructions and interacting with his students throughout the day. These shots are interspersed throughout a variety of lessons. Quick shots are also of Joey as the boy ‘rates’ his teacher discretely with either a thumbs up, down, or a shake of the hand indicating the level to which he is impressed by the comments throughout the day. Tally marks are made on the sticky note during this time. A song plays in the background during the medley of clips: ‘You’re the Best’ by Joe Esposito, originally used in the movie, The Karate Kid.

TEACHER: You are not only the child, but also the pet I never had but always wanted. [Thumbs up]

TEACHER: You do realize that if you have an accident, you’re going to have to clean it up yourself. [Thumbs up].

TEACHER: The answer to the math problem can never be bacon…it’s delicious, but it’s never the answer. [Thumbs up].

TEACHER: I guess if you were drowning you could always stand on your head and you’d be safe, right? [Wavered hand].

TEACHER: If you head explodes, I’ll just put it in a plastic baggie and give it to your mom after school. [Thumbs up].

TEACHER: I’m not sure if I have a soul, I never checked. [Thumbs up].

TEACHER: Look; if you don’t go out to recess, then I can’t start missing you now can I? [Thumbs up].

TEACHER: [Spoken to three dawdling boys as the class is lining up to go to lunch]. Mimsy, Muffy, Buffy, let’s get a move on here…I’m not getting any younger and neither are the three of you. But I am getting better looking every. single. minute. Pretty soon I’m going to start blinding you all with my good looks. [Thumbs up].

TEACHER: If my darkest nightmares had a soundtrack and choreography, I think it would look and sound something just like this. [Thumbs up].

TEACHER: The book usually works a whole lot better if you open it first. [Wavered hand].

TEACHER: You do realize that you’re breathing my air, don’t you? [Thumbs up].

TEACHER: Be careful when reaching in your desk, Joey pulled a pony out of his yesterday…it was in the back, stuffed behind an old bologna sandwich. [Thumbs up].

TEACHER: [Spoken to a boy]. Okay Buttercream, let’s get to work while we’re still all capable of breathing. [Thumbs up].

SCENE 14, INTERIOR. AFTERNOON, CLASSROOM. The bell has just sounded; the students are giving the teacher high fives—and a few are giving him a quick hug as they depart the classroom. One boy holds back as he counts the tallies from his sticky note. After a minute he writes a number on the paper that he circles; he approaches the teacher.

JOEY: Mr. Z, you were pretty funny today.

[The boy taps the sticky note with the pen he’s been using].

TEACHER: Really? So…I made the cut?

JOEY: Well, there were some lame things you said today, but I didn’t keep track of those.

TEACHER: Thank heaven for small miracles and slatherings of awesomeness.

[The boy starts to laugh and makes another tally mark on his sticky note].

JOEY: Mr. Z, you were funny a total of 86 times today…that’s really funny!

[Pause].

TEACHER: That’s probably why they pay me the big bucks.

[There is a pause as the boy stares bemusedly at the teacher for a moment].

TEACHER: Um…that was a joke.

JOEY: Yeah, but it wasn’t very funny

TEACHER: You’re telling me…

[Fade to black].

25 comments:

tammy said...

Well you got thumbs up from everyone here at my house.

Tracy P. said...

That's priceless, Teach! Now if you could get him to start giving you quarters instead of tally marks, that would help!

Joan said...

"The book usually works a whole lot better if you open it first." Unfortunately that is one of my oft repeated lines. ;)

Yanet @ 3 Sun Kissed Boys said...

Ok, 2nd try to comment.

I love the way you set up scene 2-13. I'm very familiar with the song (thanks to SKB #1 who loves The Karate Kid) and can totally picture it.

Karen Peterson said...

I'd have to agree with Joey that you are pretty funny. I have to wonder, though, what you're doing in that classroom if your students have time to keep track of stuff like that... :-)

Rhoda said...

There are a few people who, when they write, you can actually hear their voice when you read their words. This post and these jokes...it's like your sitting next to my computer taking and laughing with me! Great post! Jokes do make the day go by faster, I need to remember that.

Laura said...

What is that saying about having a nickel every time... :)

I suppose his self assigned project could be considered math?

Heidi said...

Dude, I totally wish I had a hilarity tracker.

I would just do it myself, but I probably find myself twice as funny as I actually am.

Keep up the jokes, teach. I still think of my 4th grade teacher and how much he made me laugh. (although, dangit, I never thought to keep track of it.)

The Blonde Duck said...

"I'm fraught with hilarity."

I love that line!

Mindee@ourfrontdoor said...

If you ever decide to go into stand up comedy, you now have proof for the hiring agents that you're funny!

Kalei's Best Friend said...

Love the line about 'The book usually works a whole lot better if you open it first'.... my mother would say that, as well as teachers (not to me of course).
Last line is priceless.....Joey is definitely rubbing off on the teach.

Linn said...

Thumbs up from me--awesomeness!

mintifresh said...

I'd say thumbs waaay up!

Emmy said...

Lol! Impressive- 86 times! And yes, teachers are not paid nearly enough.

AlyGatr said...

I'm sure lucky no one keeps tally of the lame things I say. It might outnumber the funny ones! I was kind of having a crummy day, but now you gave me something to smile about :)

cari said...

Love those Joey stories! :) Aren't you excited to start a new year filled with new Joey experiences? (And a new year to be earning some more of those big bucks!)

Stephani said...

I smiled through this whole post, good stuff! But, the main reason I'm commenting is because I read your post on I Heart Faces about documenting a day in your life. I think that is an awesome idea, and am really glad you shared it with us! Just last night I read about a guy who took a polaroid a day, every day for 18 years. Wow! I know a lot of people participate in a 365 challenge, taking a picture a day, but I really like the idea you shared with us. Another good idea might be to document a day in the life of someone we love like a parent, child, or significant other. Doing it periodically would make for a great keepsake someday! Anyway, thanks or sharing! I'm gonna browse around to see what I can learn from you because I have a whole lot to learn in this photography game!

Mamma has spoken said...

Can't help but wonder if Joey puts as much effort into his school work as he does his tally marks? I think I already know the answer...

Kelly said...

Did you invest in a pocket sized book of funny things that day or what? Funny stuff Manard!

Teachinfourth said...

Joey is a kick in the pants, that's one thing for sure. I did home visits on Monday and realized that I'm going to have another one of him this year.

It's a good thing I like to teach.

K - Most of the stuff I say in my classroom just comes to me, but some of it has been altered from things I've heard from friends, in movies, but it's mostly from that little voice speaking from behind the locked door in my head.

Lindzena said...

Ha!! Oh that cracked me up. I love that. I want you to come teach a college course of mine or something.

Michelle said...

I saw your article over at I heart faces and came by for a look see. Awesome blog. Perfect combo of great photo's and great writing.

I am looking forward to stalking, I mean...visiting your blog more often.
:)

Pumpkin Delight said...

86 times? That is pretty funny!
Very cute!

Cherie said...

I think they should pay you per laughs too!!

Annette said...

This is one of the reasons I miss not helping out in your classroom- you always keep me smiling.

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