SCENE 1, INTERIOR. MORNING, CLASSROOM. The teacher is taking roll for the day and submitting attendance to the office. As he does, he notices one of his fifth grade students standing in front of him with a blue sticky note and a pen. The boy is smiling as wide as Christmas.
[The boy smiles even wider and rocks forward on his toes].
JOEY: You’re a funny guy; did you know that?
TEACHER: Yeah, I’m pretty much fraught with hilarity…
JOEY: See, there you go again. You’re always making us laugh with jokes and stuff. It makes the day go quicker and it’s a lot of fun.
TEACHER: I guess it helps that you can’t laugh and throw up at the same time.
JOEY: There’s another one!
TEACHER: Another one, what?
JOEY: Something funny. [There is a pause while the boy puts two tally marks on the sticky note]. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to keep track of every time you say something funny all day on this piece of paper. At the end of the day, I’ll know just how funny you really are.
TEACHER: Wow, my own personal happiness meter; you know, I might just have to scrape the rust off of my personality for today.
JOEY: That was funny, too.
[The boy adds another tally to the note and returns to his desk, looking expectantly at the teacher].
SCENES 2-13, INTERIOR SHOTS. MIDMORNING THROUGH AFTERNOON, CLASSROOM. Various quick cuts of the teacher as he is giving instructions and interacting with his students throughout the day. These shots are interspersed throughout a variety of lessons. Quick shots are also of Joey as the boy ‘rates’ his teacher discretely with either a thumbs up, down, or a shake of the hand indicating the level to which he is impressed by the comments throughout the day. Tally marks are made on the sticky note during this time. A song plays in the background during the medley of clips: ‘You’re the Best’ by Joe Esposito, originally used in the movie, The Karate Kid.
TEACHER: You are not only the child, but also the pet I never had but always wanted. [Thumbs up]
TEACHER: You do realize that if you have an accident, you’re going to have to clean it up yourself. [Thumbs up].
TEACHER: The answer to the math problem can never be bacon…it’s delicious, but it’s never the answer. [Thumbs up].
TEACHER: I guess if you were drowning you could always stand on your head and you’d be safe, right? [Wavered hand].
TEACHER: If you head explodes, I’ll just put it in a plastic baggie and give it to your mom after school. [Thumbs up].
TEACHER: I’m not sure if I have a soul, I never checked. [Thumbs up].
TEACHER: Look; if you don’t go out to recess, then I can’t start missing you now can I? [Thumbs up].
TEACHER: [Spoken to three dawdling boys as the class is lining up to go to lunch]. Mimsy, Muffy, Buffy, let’s get a move on here…I’m not getting any younger and neither are the three of you. But I am getting better looking every. single. minute. Pretty soon I’m going to start blinding you all with my good looks. [Thumbs up].
TEACHER: If my darkest nightmares had a soundtrack and choreography, I think it would look and sound something just like this. [Thumbs up].
TEACHER: The book usually works a whole lot better if you open it first. [Wavered hand].
TEACHER: You do realize that you’re breathing my air, don’t you? [Thumbs up].
TEACHER: Be careful when reaching in your desk, Joey pulled a pony out of his yesterday…it was in the back, stuffed behind an old bologna sandwich. [Thumbs up].
TEACHER: [Spoken to a boy]. Okay Buttercream, let’s get to work while we’re still all capable of breathing. [Thumbs up].
SCENE 14, INTERIOR. AFTERNOON, CLASSROOM. The bell has just sounded; the students are giving the teacher high fives—and a few are giving him a quick hug as they depart the classroom. One boy holds back as he counts the tallies from his sticky note. After a minute he writes a number on the paper that he circles; he approaches the teacher.
JOEY: Mr. Z, you were pretty funny today.
[The boy taps the sticky note with the pen he’s been using].
TEACHER: Really? So…I made the cut?
JOEY: Well, there were some lame things you said today, but I didn’t keep track of those.
TEACHER: Thank heaven for small miracles and slatherings of awesomeness.
[The boy starts to laugh and makes another tally mark on his sticky note].
JOEY: Mr. Z, you were funny a total of 86 times today…that’s really funny!
TEACHER: That’s probably why they pay me the big bucks.
[There is a pause as the boy stares bemusedly at the teacher for a moment].
TEACHER: Um…that was a joke.
JOEY: Yeah, but it wasn’t very funny
TEACHER: You’re telling me…
[Fade to black].