Friday, July 8, 2011

Two years, and I Write...

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The hard sound of guitar and rough vocals flooded over me again and again as I drove the vast expanse of miles—the mileage that swept beneath my tires, though storms and rain; ominous cloudbursts similar to those of two years ago.

As the miles of road blew past, my mind careened over the past two years of my esoteric life: the alterations, the battles, the good as well as the bad times…all of those infinitesimal moments that have brought me to the here and now.

I slipped in and out the present as the mesas and sandstone cliffs—veiled in grey storm clouds—peeked from the heights above me as the arroyos, now flooded with overflow, ran freely through sand washes and open landscape toward the rising Swell off to the west, rising up like tidal wave of stone from the desert.

And again and again the melody thundered from the speakers, the words were pouring through my mind; it was if I were hearing them for the very first time:



It’s been years since they told her about it,
The darkness her body possessed…

It’s a blur since they told me about it,
How the darkness had taken its toll,
And they cut into my skin and they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul.
And now I’m still learning the lesson,
To awake when I hear the call,
And if you ask me why I am still running,
I tell you I run for us all.

I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you, and me, my friend
I run for life.

It is now night...two years ago today though.

I moved out to the front porch and sat in the near silence as the night enveloped the neighborhood. A few crickets chirped off in the empty lot as a few stars peered through the clouds overhead. From somewhere up the street a dog barks and reminds me of where I am.

Why, two years later am I still writing about her?

To sort of quote Melissa Etheridge:

I write for hope.
I write to feel.
I write for the truth.
For all that is real.
I write for your mother, your sister, your wife.
I write for you, and me, my friend
I write for life.

In my head, the song still plays; the hard sound of guitar and rough vocals floods over me as I gaze at the heavens. And still, another year of journeying storms and sunny skies await yet in the wings.

20 comments:

AlyGatr said...

I had to back track and catch up but now I understand. Two years is a short time as far as those things go. For me it's been 12 years and still the moments come that make it feel like it was yesterday. Over time though, it becomes easier to remember without the heavy sorrow.

Nancy said...

Two years...a lifetime...a moment. I'm sorry for your loss.

Jamie said...

The 4th of July was this way for me. I had no warning. The feelings and emotions almost took over as I sat in his parent's back yard watching the majestic fireworks. I missed him so terribly. I still wish he were by my side to laugh and joke at all the craziness that goes on in that house. 5 years now and it can still hit with quite a force. BUT it does get easier. Not only does they weight of it lift, but your ability to maneuver through the feelings increases as well. Stay strong and keep on going. :)

Kalei's Best Friend said...

J: I've been reading your page for awhile and don't remember any of these past posts.. I must of joined you late... Here you say you 'still write of her'... U and I both know its grief cycling through you and coming out best through writing, and yes photography... It works that way for me.. That song is strong, reflects pain, love, sorrow and hope... which is all part of grief..For me its been 10 years this past June 8... and it hits me differently every year. Unexplainable crying to feeling unease for no reason....

Mindy said...

As I was looking over your blog yesterday to choose my entry for "The Contest" I clicked on one of the "You might also like" links. It happened to be the "Come what may" post of 2 years ago. I had no idea when I chose it what I would find. I was moved as I read of your experience and feelings at that time.
Just a few minutes after I read that post, John called and told me that you’d come down and about your plans to honor your mom - this celebration of her life and honoring of her memory. I suppose you could call the timing coincidence, I don't know. I do know that I felt I got to know her just a little through reading that post and the others that followed it. She must truly have been a rare and priceless woman. That little bit of insight into who Arlene was to you-the impact that she had on you and your family-gave me a glimpse into some of what made you who you are.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to come along as you honor your mom.

Joan said...

I think I started following you shortly after your mom died. I went back and read about that journey. You selflessly shared that journey and I thank you.

I think you still write because it is still fresh. My died in April of '09 and though the wound is not fresh it aches at times and reminds of the loss.

Mamma has spoken said...

I know the feeling all too well.
It's been 13 years for me and I miss her still. Every day.

becca said...

time does not matter when it comes to this 2 days, 2 years, 2 lifetimes the pain is still there, the lose is still there and in the end the person is still gone..hugs

McDowell Family said...

Beautiful post. A wonderful way to honor your mother and to remember her spirit. I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't lost anyone from breast cancer, but I have had people I love win the battle with this monster. I coordinate our team to celebrate their lives at the Susan Komen breast cancer walk in Houston. We walk for you and your mother...you are in my thoughts.

tammy said...

Beautiful.

The pain and loss never really goes away, but hopefully it gets a little easier to bear.

Dina @ 4 Lettre Words said...

A beautiful post from a beautiful soul.

You and your family are in my prayers...

TisforTonya said...

never stop writing about what moves you... it touches us all with its honesty.

I'm sitting here and contemplating my own mother and the limited time we have left... thanks for reminding me to cherish that.

A Lark said...

I've never heard this song - makes me want to be a runner. To me, this breathes HOPE and determination to make all our moments count.

Cheeseboy said...

I just read the post from 2 years ago and now this one and they both spoke to me as both sad, but filled with hope. I think that is why people love this blog so much. It always leaves you feeling better about life, no matter the situation. At least that is why like it.

Teachinfourth said...

A - Two years ago seems like a lifetime to be honest, yet as recent as yesterday.

N - Thanks.

J - It's strange how that happens, isn't it? I'm still driving, and still writing.

K - There are always moments when it hits. More of them when it feels okay though. I'm glad for that.

M - Glad you're going to be here to take part in the ceremony with us. It's been fun kicking it with you. It's good to have a Dr. Pepper friend.

J - I know exactly what you mean.

B - Sometimes it feels better, and other times it does not. I'm glad for the moments of sadness because it's the sadness that reminds me that she was once here.

B - That is so true.

MF - She actually had ocular cancer, but thank you for this. It was a year ago that a friend of mine, Gerb, was running a race that I was shooting photos for

http://gerbsrandomthoughts.blogspot.com/2010/03/race-day.html

I went to the race and started to cry as I stood there watching these people running, walking...they were doing it for my mom.

I found a corner where nobody was standing about two four blocks from the finish line and started to cheer people on and stayed there until all of the runners had passed.

I've never felt so great about anything in my life.

T - Thanks.

D - I appreciate it. Really.

T - Relish it. I need to call my other mom, my dad, my siblings, and all of those other people in my life while they're still here...

J - I must have listened to this song five times. Once it ended, I played it again. The constant beat carrying me onward.

One of my new favorites.

A - Thanks, Abe...that means a lot to me. Thanks for coming back. Thanks for being awesome.

Richard & Natalie said...

You were in my thoughts yesterday.

I'm glad you got to get away to do something special in honor of Arlene. Thanks for including us along in the ride.

Stef said...

What a great way to keep her memory.

Brett said...

Every word carries such power. You have an incredible gift for seeing the profound in the moments of your life. Your words have a way of putting me at ease yet nearly moving me to tears all at once.

M-Cat said...

You have a way with words. I envy how you can articulate your feelings so well. I had to go back on your link and get the whole story and my heart aches for you. 2 years isn;t very long and the pain is still fresh and at times raw. Another 2 years and it will still be there but different.

Hugs to you my friend

Connie said...

I've never heard this song before - very moving as is your post.

My heart goes out to you.

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